new year, resolute

I’ve never really made any new year’s resolutions before. partly because I always thought they were lame, but also because no one ever follows through with the resolutions that actually sound interesting or meaningful. like a new bag of chips, they’re full of empty promise – a whole lot of air and not much substance.

well, this year, I intend to change things. here are my resolutions for 2005:

1. gain 300 pounds to be bigger than that useless jared from subway ever was. I’ll need the pants, because…
2. lose 325 pounds and become the new subway spokesperson – keeping jared from ever making more commercials.
3. take up smoking, and give it up the next day… just so I can say sigh dramatically and say “no thanks, I’ve quit” like it was a struggle, when offered a cigarette.
4. everyone knows pop rocks and carbonated drinks will make your stomach explode. it’s a scientifically proven fact. so I intend to gradually train my stomach to absorb said gases and become the world’s most buoyant man, occasionally floating down from my throne in the sky to visit cities on a goodwill tour. a sort of sky ambassador, if you will.
5. go 88 mph and not travel back in time.
6. find out once and for all who put the bop in the “bop shoo bop shoo bop”. who was that man? (note: it was not cyndi lauper).
7. whittle a tree stump into an impressive carving of a bear… but not one so large as to offend or upstage tsb.
8. find some pants with a zippered side pocket, to hold tater tots.
9. learn to make a baked alaska, since no one seems to know what the hell it is.
10. follow through with my threat to ruin the girl scouts with my secret weapon – th1n m1ntz.
11. build a time machine to new year’s day, 2006, to find out if any of these resolutions actually happened (obviously, it can’t be a delorean, since that would break resolution #5).