future perfect

even with the entire week off, I’ve gotten very little done. I had games to beat, books to finish, and things to learn, along with all the other stuff I was putting off for this week. but I never seemed to have the time for any of them.

so, in honor of things left unfinished, I’ve compiled a list of items to accomplish for 2006.

1. develop a razor with fifty-four blades, to end the competition once and for all. it will simultaneously shave your beard, moustache, eyebrows, and forehead.
2. mathematically prove that birds suddenly appear every time you’re near.
3. jump on the next big 80’s re-trend by wearing jams and white keds to all social events.
4. buy a pair of driving goggles, and respond only to the name “herr professor”.
5. start a boy band called “pyroclastic flow”, with lyrics composed of strictly geological terms. for example: “Baby, don’t you know it, oh, we make the perfect team; You and I, our love [so hot!] could fill a diatreme.”
6. hold a tournament for fighters around the world on my island-based ninja training camp.
7. buy a motorcycle sidecar, park it on the street, and sit in it while sighing and gazing longingly.
8. revive the “spite spit”, by mock-spitting whenever someone says the words “terrorist”, “osama”, “saddam”, or “kaiser”.
9. find a new volunteer for a beehive haircut.
10. prepare for the rapture by building a plane out of bibles. that way, even if I’m passed over, I can still fly my way into heaven with my holy flying machine.
11. words to bring into mass usage:

    indubitably

    spifflicated

    ruckus